Back in 2011, a few unfortunate events triggered my life to plummet into a downward spiral. Instead of picking myself up and moving right along, I kept on spiraling until I landed in the funk of all funks. I was listless and devoid of emotion. Nothing made me happy… or sad… or excited… or angry. It almost felt as if the very thing that made me human—my soul—had been destroyed. I walked through the motions of everyday life with no real purpose. The few emotions I did manage to feel over the past few years were those of bitterness, resentment, or jealousy. I resented anyone who experienced joy and happiness when I no longer could.
I’ll be the first to tell you that I’ve always been a complainer. Lately, I’ve taken it to a completely different level. I’ve been downright wallowing in self-pity.
“I hate my job. I’m so stressed out. I’ll be stuck in this dead-end job forever. I’ll be earning pocket change for the rest of my life while my college degree goes to waste. Why did I even bother? I wasted four years and piled up thousands of dollars in student loan debt for absolutely nothing. I’ll never be able to take another vacation (and I needed one like yesterday) because this stressful job weakens my immune system and I get sick every other month. So, I’m forced to use my leave time as soon as I earn it. It doesn't matter anyway. Even if I never got sick again and had 80 hours of leave saved, I wouldn’t be able to take a vacation because I’m so broke and can't afford it. I’m such a failure. I have no friends. I can't do anything right.”
Yada, yada, yada… and the list goes on and on.
Then one day, out of nowhere, something crazy and kind of amazing happened. I got really sick of hearing my own damn thoughts. I said to myself, " JUST SHUT UP ALREADY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT THEN!" And, now... I plan to do just that.
But before I start making a plan or major changes in my life, I need to reprogram the negative thoughts I’ve spent years sowing in my brain. I also need to give my self-esteem some much-needed TLC. Otherwise, I’m bound to fail. I’m not sure when (or why) my self-esteem took such a detrimental hit, but it's clear to me that it needs a lot of love.
I’ve read quite a few personal growth and development books over the last few months. The only reason I'm able to write this post, and make a conscious effort to change my circumstances, is because I read those books. I need to retrain my brain to believe that I’m worthy of happiness, deserve to have everything I want out of life, and I’m more than capable of creating it myself. The books I’ve read include “The Four Agreements” by Miguel Ruiz, “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin, and “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I’m also still reading “The Slight Edge” by Jeff Olson and “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. The knowledge I’ve gained from immersing myself in these books has been life changing, really.
I know that "defying the funk" won’t be easy. As they say, nothing worth having in life ever IS. I constantly worry about a million different things. What if I make the wrong decision? What exactly do I want to pour my heart and soul into for the rest of my days? I’ve never been certain of that one thing I want out of life, and I’ve envied those who seem to have known their life’s dream since birth. My problem is that I prefer to just go with the flow and I want too much. But, with that said... I’m determined to make my own path and create a life that encompasses a little bit of everything I want.
Who says I can’t have it all?