17 July 2014


Back in 2011, several unfortunate events piled on top of one another and my life started to plummet into a downward spiral. Rather than picking myself back up and moving on, I just kept on spiraling until I landed in the funk of all funks. I was listless, devoid of all emotion. Nothing made me happy. Or sad. Or excited. Or angry. It felt as if the very thing that made me person—my soul—had been destroyed. I walked through the motions of everyday life but with no real purpose. The few emotions I did manage to feel were feelings of bitterness, resentment, or jealousy. I resented anyone who was able to feel joy and happiness when I no longer could.

I'm the first to admit that I’ve always been a complainer, but lately... I’ve taken complaining to a higher level and wallowed in self-pity.

“I hate my job.
I’m so stressed out.
I’m going to be stuck at this dead-end job forever.
I’m going to earn pocket change for the rest of my life and my college degree will be useless.
Why did I even bother?
I wasted four years of my life and racked up thousands of dollars in student loan debt for absolutely nothing.
I’ll never be able to take another vacation (and I needed one like yesterday) because this stressful job weakens my immune system and I get sick every other month, which forces me to use my PTO as soon as I earn it.
It doesn't matter anyway.
If I never got sick again and had 80 hours of leave available, I still couldn't afford to take a vacation because I’m so broke.
I’m such a failure.
I have no friends.
I can't do anything right.”
...and that pathetic litany went on and on.

Then, out of nowhere, something crazy and kind of amazing happened. I got really, really, really tired of hearing my own damn thoughts. I wanted to scream at myself, "JUST SHUT UP ALREADY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ALREADY!" So, now I plan to do just that. 

Before I start making plans and major changes in my life, I've gotta reprogram these negative thoughts that I’ve sewn into my brain. I need to give my self-esteem some much-needed TLC. Otherwise, I’m bound to fail. I’m not sure when (or how? or why?) my self-esteem took such a hit, but it clearly needs a lot of love.

I’ve been reading quite a few personal growth and development books over the last few months. The only reason I'm able to write this post, and make a conscious effort to change my circumstances, is because I read those books. I need to retrain my brain to believe I’m worthy of happiness. That I deserve to have everything I want out of life and I’m more than capable of creating it for myself. The books I’ve read include “The Four Agreements” by Miguel Ruiz, “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin, and “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I’m also still reading “The Slight Edge” by Jeff Olson and “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. The knowledge I’ve gained from immersing myself in these books has been life changing, really.

I know that "defying the funk" won’t be easy. As they say, nothing worth having in life ever IS easy. I worry about a million different things all the time. What if I make a wrong decision? What exactly is it that I want to pour my heart and soul into for the rest of my days? I have never been certain of that one thing I want out of life, and I have always envied those who seem to have known what they want since birth. My problem is that I want too much and my default is to go with the flow. With that said, I am determined to forge my own path moving forward and hope to create a life that encompasses a little bit of everything that I want.

I mean, really?
Who said we can’t have it all?
Must have been a man.

1 comment :

  1. Exactly! You have to go out there and get what you really want!